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January 28, 2006
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100 Secrets of Morrowind

1. Skooma is actually a very powerful form of caffeine.
2. All Khajiits celebrate a happy little holiday called Moonsugar Day. It just HAPPENS to fall EXACTLY on Christmas Day...
3. If ANYTHING bad happens on Vvardenfell, the city of Ald'Ruhn is always affected first, most severely, and often exclusively.
4. Ald'Ruhn is frequently invaded by hordes of line-dancing penguins. Sometimes crowds of dancing, prancing mango melons come along, too.
5. The name of the Ashlands has been changed to the Asslands.
6. As a matter of fact, the Asslands and anything related to them have had their names changed to involve butts. Take Butt Isred (formerly Bal Isra) and Old Rump (formerly Ald'Ruhn) for example.
7. Ash slaves everywhere were deeply offended by the above move and filed a law suit to keep the the old names.
8. Seyda Neen frequently floods for no good reason at all. The inhabitants don't seem bothered much by it, though. As a matter of fact, they don't even seem to notice anymore.
9. All of Vvardenfell's corprus stalkers seem to have recently taken up hosting and attending lengthy tea parties.
10. The city of Vivec was once attacked by a giant blue Indiana state hockey team mascot.
11. A happy, hyper guar is truly a scary sight to behold.
12. Morrowipes are a popular Dunmer baby care product.
13. The Plum With Squeaky Little Wheels has recently began making supposed appearances on Vvardenfell. The latest sighting was at the Vivec temple, where the plum was chased by a crowd of angry Ordinators. They pursued it around a corner, only to find that it had vanished into the night without a trace.
14. Lord Vivec and Dagoth Ur both like to go to Ald'Ruhn and hang around in bars.
15. The Argonian Garbage Truck is the second most destructive force on Vvardenfell.
16. The first most destructive is the entire Khajiit population on Moonsugar Day.
17. From time to time, all of the Khajiits congregate in Balmora to be hyper. This is ESPECIALLY true on Moonsugar Day.
18. Last time this happened, they even tied a Dunmer priest to a flagpole and threw shoes at him until he cried. Things at the Balmora temple were never the same again.
19. You haven't truly proved your sanity until you have grasped the chain...but who said anything about wanting to be sane...?
20. Winged Twilights love to raid the fridge at night...
21. You can make virtually any structure imaginable out of pillows.
22. Said pillow structure can withstand any form of abuse it happens to be exposed to, including major volcanic eruptions.
23. Dagoth Ur likes to face-tag people and then skip merrily out of the room.
24. Aenegoth the Jeweler has a Doom Machine. Well, he did until Sain from Fire Emblem stole it so that Voldemort could face-tag Harry for 5 minutes without having to wait for the overly-cheerful mango melon to dance its way into oblivion.
25. Not all cliffracers are stupid! Why, one of them knows English! His name is Mike The Talking Cliffracer.
26. Another interesting creature can be found in the Grazelands. His name is Mr. Tickles The Friendly Alit. He likes to be petted on the head...>.>;
27. Creeper has a magical icicle gun. He uses it to restore order when the corprus stalkers' tea parties get too out-of-hand.
28. Mr. Tickles the Friendly Alit took a long, long bath in Snape's apple stapler because Barty Crouch Jr. overthrew the King of All Cosmos.
29. Felina sissy slapped a noodle of talking cars because Mike the Talking Cliffracer told her to.
30. Flame, frost and storm atronachs are nothing. You should see what happens when you reach level 123473648764759859632: O.O The Great Pillow Atronach attacks Balmora!
31. The blight storms that come from Red Mountain are only a taste of much more horrible and unspeakable things yet to come. Just wait until the Sixth House launches its ultimate weapon: The Dagoth Disco Ball!
32. Slughorn is a member of the Sixth House.
33. Some people believe that Mr. MerOctopus Man is really just a very overgrown, mutant grindylow.
34. Mr. MerOctopus Man lives under the living room floor...
35. He also invited his little shalk friends to move well as a couple of daedra. Someone call the pest control service! o.o
36. On Vvardenfell, Shalk-A-Cola is the carbonated beverage of choice...>.>
37. The daedroths have their own tower-fortress in the Grazelands. It's made out of a giant coke can...O.o
38. Hanging around construction sites and stealing random people's hard hats is a favorite pasttime of hungers, especially Larry.
39. Another interesting creature to keep an eye out for if you happen to be on Vvardenfell is a daedra by the name of Larry The Happy Hunger.
40. Larry the Happy Hunger is friends with Mike The Talking Cliffracer. Unfortunately, Larry has a very stupid aura that always messes up Mike's sense of direction when the two of them are together. This is why Mike almost crashed into the Dagoth Disco Ball that one time...
41. Contrary to popular belief, there ARE bright spots in Ald'Ruhn. If you don't believe me, visit Danny Dunmer's Delightful Donuts. Just don't be too overwhelmed by all the colors...o.o
42. Far to the south, there is a town called Tel Branmuffin. It's a Telvanni mage tower town with a very high-carb twist...>.>;
43. Tel Branmuffin was once invaded by an army of blenders with little feet and eyes. This army was lead by none other than Muffin (the legendary axe murderer).
44. Muffin attacked the town of Tel Branmuffin because the mage that owns the tower and oversees the town tore a leaf off of the magical paper towel tree without permission.
45. The citizens of Sadrith Mora angered Snippy, The Lord of All Paper one afternoon when they refused to stop their EEEEVIL Telvanni-ish  discrimination against and inslavement of foreign types of paper. As punishment, Snippy turned the entire city into giant origami structures.
46. Even the forges the smiths use to repair weapons and armor are now made of origami paper, but yet the very NORMAL fire in them doesn't burn them down, along with the rest of the city. That's because they're made of the same quality paper that everything in Paper Mario is made of...>.>
47. Dagoth Ur is the proud owner of the most frightening, disturbing item in all the world: The Great Pancake Mask of DOOOOOOOM! At least everyone HOPES it's a mask...o.o
48. Dagoth Ur also has a very odd obssesion with his hands. He stares at them for hours at a time for some reason. Maybe he's worried about dry skin?
49. Ever since Fiona was trampled by a horde of hyper khajiits that passed through the area on their way to Balmora, Shrek has taken to attacking any innocent travelers stupid enough to cross the Grazelands.
50. If your slave is ever missing, just look in the printer over to your right. He's sure to surface in a moment, especially if he's a khajiit...>.>
51. The Grazelands are the Twilight Zone of Morrowind, in more ways than one...o.o
52. Somewhere in the world, there IS an Argonian named "OMGFURRYCRACKERS!?O.O".
53. Argonian kids have THE messiest rooms in the entire world.
54. Furry got kicked out of Ald'Ruhn for stealing a piece of  paper.
55. Furry got kicked out of the piece of paper for stealing Ald'Ruhn.
56. Ald'Ruhn got kicked out of the piece of paper for stealing Furry.
57. Ald'Ruhn got stolen out of the piece of paper for kicking Furry.
58. Furry got stolen out of Ald'Ruhn for kicking the piece of paper.
59. When Furry stole Ald'Ruhn for the first time, all its citizens were forced to live on a giant piece of paper.
60. The Sixth House isn't all bad. They actually have made contributions to the fine arts. All of the different Dagoths frequently get together and perform ballets. Swan Lake is their favorite...o.o
61. It's a law of nature that the weather can never change in the middle of the day.
62. It's also a law of nature that the weather is always EXACTLY the same, even over all of a massive continent.
63. The residents of the province of Morrowind need to import mass shipments of Beano.
64. ^.^ BuzzyTunes4! is the national anthem of Morrowind.
65. The contents of the Bitter Cup are truly horrible: liquified spinach. Drinking from the Bitter Cup will make you have an insane episode. Just ask Athos from Fire Emblem...
66. The Dunmer hold an annual pie-eating contest. It's a really pathetic, illogical, and nonsensical way to attempt to get  the name of the Asslands changed back to the Ashlands.
67. They actually think it'll work for some reason, even though pie has absolutely nothing to do with the name change.
68. Ash ghouls love to play Twister and other childish games.
69. The ash slaves have finally discovered the true meaning of life: The Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about.
70. The Dunmer temple is part of a conspiracy to help King Noodelius Ramenius III take over the world. When the noodles inherit the earth, don't say I didn't warn you.
71. Special jewelry makes people hallucinate about very excited monsters, particularly guars...
72. Argonians have hair. It just happens to be whimsical, magical, invisible hair. ^.^
73. Dunmer really, really hate lock picks. Just showing a lock pick to a Dunmer is considered a deep insult in their culture.
74. Actually POKING a Dunmer with said lock pick is grounds for execution.
75. Blame the third tree to the direct left of Seyda Neen. It's all his fault.
76. No, the Wild Belt of Maigaiki could NOT have been involved. He's too busy getting drunk on paper clips.
77. There is one thing that is more evil than daedra AND cliffracers. It's The Dunmer Treehouse of DOOOOOOM!...and toilet paper.
78. Said treehouse is so evil that it's members discriminate against innocent postage stamps. I think Snippy will be paying them a visit soon...>.>
79. All of the silt striders in Morrowind have run away to the moon to start a happy colony there where no one will jump on their backs. It shall be named...MOONASILTSTRIDERTOPIA!
80. Argonians should NOT be reporters. Especially not a certain one named Talks-Too-Much-For-Own-Good...>.>
81. The "Dummner" are the stupidest people in all of Morrowind.
82. The Dunmer race has many names. Among them are Dunmert, Dumpner, Dumnerk, and Duner.
83. Yes, diarrhea is a very widespread problem among dark elves. Maybe if they ate more cheese it wouldn't be so rampant...
84.  "Cheese doth glueth up thine fanny if thou dost eateth too much...>.>;" is an ancient, respected, time-honered Dunmer proverb originally spoken by Vivec himself! Don't make fun of it!
85. For some reason, Dunmer are offended by the sight, smell, and ESPECIALLY taste of cheese.
86. The word "cheese" is an incredibly offensive swear word in the native Dunmer language, and if said with defiance, it's very likely to get you killed.
87. Nix hounds have their own baseball team.
88. Little known fact: The Ashlands are actually located in northern Missisippi.
89. This causes ash and blight storms to flood over into the extreme southwestern portions of Tennesee. Strange how it only seems to happen at night, though...O.o
90. The Sixth House likes to rearrange their furniture a lot. Too bad they don't really know how to do something that simple. It's funny how they seem to understand law so well, though...>.>
91. The Sixth House also has its own retirement home. It's located somewhere so secret that we can't even tell you here. To find it and the silver coin, first Mario must go to Shifting Sand Land and throw an X-Box at the top of the pyramid. The X-Box must hit the pyramid EXACTLY 7 seconds after it is thrown, or otherwise...
92. Khajiits love to hold sled the SUMMER. o.o;;
93. Nalcarya of White Haven has other jobs besides owning an alchemy shop. She also drives an ambulance. That is, when she's not making fake drivers licenses and IDs for illegal Argonian immigrants...>.>;
94. Besides being an evil god, Dathgoth Ur also spends a lot of time working at Walt Disney World as a tour guide. He's also that announcer guy on the monorail...>.>
95. There ARE grocery stores in Morrowind. The biggest, most upscale one is Krogerruhn, which is located in the Ashlands, just north of Red Mountain.
96. Vivec is more evil than Dagoth Ur. Just ask the Argonian by the name of CS-Tells-All.
97. You could ask Talks-Too-Much-For-Own-Good that question, but the healers are still trying to awaken him from a coma...>.>;
98. The city of Ald'Ruhn has its very own basement, which includes a disco that's exculsively for corprus stalkers.
99. The Milk Bar from Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask has become a major chain and now boasts over 1,000 locations. There's one located on Vvadernfell, surpisingly in a cave...ask CS-Tells-All for details. Nords go there to get drunk on Chateau Romani so that they can get dressed up in costumes and go on their weekly Cheester Egg Hunt.
100. [You have contracted the Immaturity Blight from reading this list. You cannot be cured. Ever. Not even if the world ends or you get killed. Have a nice day.]
This was sort of inspired by my "100 Secrets of the HP Series" list, which was a list consisting of nothing but stupid, nonsensical inside jokes involving HP.

Me and my Morrowind-playing friends now have so many nonsense inside jokes about the game that I had to make a list for it, too.

The sad thing is that over half of this stuff was my idea. o.o;;

If you read the list in it's entirety, you'll understand what possessed me to write it to start with, though...>.>;

...and yes, I'm sure a lot of people are going to want to kill me or something for this, but trust me, you DON'T. Just ask the last person that tried...that's him over there running around with pants on his head, ranting about the Great Lima Bean...</another inside joke>
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Vedkarrtheunbroken Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2012  Student Traditional Artist


TheVirtualPoet Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, all this sounds like stuff Sheogorath would say!
Areonle Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2012
I don't have the mods so I didn't get like half of the jokes lol but the ones I did were very lulz-inducing =) If only Khajit were real, I'd make one my best friend <3
ChozianArt Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
well, i stopped around #67.....then went and played morrowind! :D
OnlyMidnightKnows Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Is it right to tell you I love you after reading this?
Cuz I seriously do.
This is pure genius. Utter and pure genius. xD
Caffeine-Master Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2011
Thanks, and it'll havr to be fine--not like I can stop you from telling me that. <_<

The funny thing is, this was originally just to make one friend laugh, as it's actually just a spontaneous outpouring of inside jokes.

I had no idea it would catch on like this when I made it.
OnlyMidnightKnows Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Well it's pure amazingness xD I will share it with all my Morrowind-playing friends!
It is a huge success. Kudos! xD
Caffeine-Master Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2011
Thanks again, and cool--I hope they get some laughs out of it.
tansyuduri Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2011  Student Writer
I love some of these so much some i dont though XD
Caffeine-Master Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2011
Well, it's ok.

Every list has stuff everyone does--or doesn't--like.

<_<; Now if I could just get back to making lists. It's just every time I come back here and see how this place has gotten in the past few years, I somehow lose interest/motivation...
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